Assumptions are the leading cause for loneliness and the act of being vindictive.

I am so indigent with everything and at everyone. I'm yelling at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. I hate myself for being this way, and I hate people for trying to understand. I don't know what's wrong with me. School, family, friends, my financial situation. There is just so much to complain about. I despise myself for it but everything I feel about anything comes out like vomit. I can't hold it in any more. When I heard him say, "I don't know if there's more to it than that.", he basically just shot me in the heart. I was so angry. Was he saying I was incompetent? Am I shallow in his eyes?.. You don't even know me. You analyzed what I did, and twisted it into your own ominous conclusions. I did nothing. I was harmless. Someone I knew much longer, cared for much longer almost took their friendship away from me because of you, and you said I didn't give ENOUGH? One person is only one person. I can't just open up my all and make you my first priority. It'll only lead to disheartening memories - like this one. I asked for time, you asked for more. I apologized and you wanted revenge. The more I comprehend things the more it makes me angry. I know why we ended. I'm the one who wanted to cut ties, the one who didn't want to work things out. Why am I the villain when it feels like it's me who lost more, who got stolen from? I don't know how to feel anymore.

I think right now is the turning point of my life.. There have been a chain of events that has caused me to believe so. First of all, it would all start with my birthday. I hate my birthday, it never brings that many good memories to my mind when I think about it. Even though my birthday was Tuesday, me and Ashlee decided to celebrate it Friday night. It was probably the most rewarding night I have had in a long time. (I slept over Ashlee's that night too. Which hasn't happened in four years.) I realized that ANY possible thing can happen at any moment. After Jordan, Dylan, and Carlos left - me and Ashlee decided to watch a movie. In the process of getting ready to watch it, Ashlee burned the last bag of popcorn. We could have gone without it, but for some reason we decided to walk to Smith's and buy some. When we got there (around 11 o'clock at night by the way), we saw people we thought we would never see. We ended up being at Nick's backyard, just talking about anything and everything till 3 in the morning. Even though what we talked about I have already thought of, and formed opinions about - it was nice to have someone agree, or give their intake on things. It made me realized how much we have all changed throughout the years and how much we have gone through and learned. Anyway, the same day, my uncle passed away; he committed suicide. It was really difficult for me to be sad and weep at first, because I had only met him about five times that I can even recall. His death made me think about life a lot more though. Here I am, hating the very day I was born, when someone didn't even want to live. I started thinking that maybe if I spent more time with him, maybe if I went and saw him the last Saturday before he died, things would be different. I didn't go, because I figured he would still be around, because selfishly I wanted to go see Star Trek; which I could have seen any other weekend. I felt really horrible because of that. I didn't shed a tear about him until it was either Saturday or Sunday night. My mom was talking to me about my uncle, when she told me she had a copy of the note he left before he had died. They were the most simplest of words, yet they had pained me so much. In the letter he wrote that he was tired of life, tired of living. He said he was sick, old, and he just can't do it anymore. He asked for everyone to try to understand.. I wish I could translate better how he wrote the letter (unfortunately translating is not one of my talents). I cried after I read how much hurt he was really in. I can't express exactly how I felt, all I know is that I have never felt that way EVER. It changed me. So, as long as I live - I plan on making my life incredible. I'm going to try to not be a procrastinator, or to be negative in any way towards myself or others. I'm going to live life, do brave things and not be afraid. I'll go after my dreams, be willing to love, forgive, and not miss out on any opportunity that comes my way. I'm going to live better for my uncle. R.I.P. The picture of him and my cousin was taken almost exactly a year ago before he died.

I hate May 19th.

I really do dislike birthdays - I hate today possibly more than any other "holiday" there is. Ever since I was little, this day has never been pleasant to me. My mom would always work (the favorite parent of the two), and my dad never did care. All my friends would have these really cool parties and gifts and I never had any of that. It's not the fact that I wish I had those materialistic things, but the fact that it seemed like I wasn't wanted, liked, and loved. I remember when I was about seven, I came home from school thinking my mom was going to be home because it was my birthday. I ran inside the house, looking for her and all I found was this plain, little chocolate cake in a box. My mom was evidently at work. I scrummaged around to look for candles, lit them and put them on the cake, made a wish, and blew them out by myself. That was it. That was my seventh year birthday, and it didn't get any better from there. Honestly, every time when someone celebrates their birthday, and I have to be there - I'm crying inside. I'm so upset because it brings such dark memories to me. I think it's funny my mom doesn't get why I hate May19th so much.

Am I wrong?

At the moment there are millions of thoughts circulating in my head, though one seems to concern me the most. Right now, I am really bothered at a friend. Honestly, if he WAS my good friend, I think he could be a little less selfish and more understanding. For the last two months I have been going through some life trials. I asked him for space, for me to be left to my thoughts, and to just fix things. It was not in any part his fault. I wanted to be alone only because of me - of my own problems. Now that I'm ready to be around others again, it seems if he is bitter towards me, like I was not the good friend he once had, as if I did something wrong. I told him it was nothing personal, I told him it was me having issues with myself. I don't get why he can't be supportive of me. It's not like I wasn't going to ever talk to him again, that I was mad at him, or we were in a fight. I just needed time to deal with me and my demons..

I admit I was being selfish at the time, I know that I hurt you, but you have to see that I was really hurt too. It's not like I wanted to distance myself, but I had to - in order to get well again. Frankly, I am a little taken back and upset that you act this way towards me. Back when I was "sick", I was hoping that when I became well, that you would be just as happy for me as I was for myself and take me in with open arms. I would have if this was you.

Wow... I can't grasp the fact that all of this will be over.. School will be over. It's so surreal to me that it doesn't go through my mind as if it's going to happen. Even though I'm numb about it, I can feel the fear trickle through my body slowly into realization. I don't have the slightest confidence in me right now, that I'll be fine when summer starts. I have no doubt that the whole time, I'l be having panic attacks. Everyone is leaving me it seems like to go their own way. I want to find my own path to follow too, but I'm not positive where I want that path to lead to. God, what am I to do? I think all of this would be much easier if financial situations didn't play a part in this. I hate the fact that money is one of the reasons why I hesitate to go to college, when it shouldn't be. I really hope things work out for the best. Somehow, for me to not be scared, to let go, and to somehow fight through all the obstacles and follow the path that I want to take. Wish me luck.

Take The Highway, It's Going My Way Now.

You ruined me. I used to be strong, fun, and put together. Now, I'm wrecked, emotional, and weak to temptations. How of all people, did you do this to me? You're not special. You are just some "chump" that got me to fall for you. Some "dude" who said all the right words at the moments I needed to hear them the most. You're a loser for god sakes! Need I say more? Someday in due time, I'll be the way I was before you and me were "us", but how long will that take? Definitely longer than the times we were together that's for sure. It's been a REAL while since we were together so I don't understand why I do the things I do, or feel the way I feel. I honestly dislike you with every little fiber of my being, yet I can't let go of what we had, what we were. I'm pathetic. You mow me over every time I think I have you. It's like you're even winning this very moment, because I'm admitting to all of this. I find myself doing and saying things I would never say just to get a tiny grasp of the past. It's absurd. I decided I'm quitting right here. I want respect, from myself and YOU. I have plenty to offer to someone else. You don't need any charity from me. You have loads of it coming from other people. I don't want anything to do with you anymore. This is going to be one long, difficult road. I bet when I think the roads to an end, there will be another bend to pass but it'll be worth it when it's over. You make me bad.

Hmm.. Dylan brought out a thought in my head that's been dwelling there for quite awhile. I feel as if I'm typical. Not only internally but externally also. I don't do anything exceptionally well. And if I come close, someone always beats me to first place. Even when I was in the Miss Vietnam Utah pageant, I was first runner up. My ideas and ways of thinking are surely unspecial. I'm sure the same thoughts are going through thousands of other people. I don't excel academically or athletically. I'm plain looking and I am boring. I'm a person who those do not seek and go out to meet. I'm not premium material. My charms and good looks are something I'm lacking of. I have no interesting tales to tell, or know something you do not. I have no special talent, and what I do is always mediocre work. I'm quite average. It makes me sad sometimes, because I'm always surrounded by people who are gifted - even if it's just really good looks. I wish I was really spectacular at something, a recognizable trait. Maybe I'm just first-rate at being mediocre. Is there an award for that?

I haven't been blogging as much as I wish I was. I think it has to do with how my life is as of right now. Nothing too eventful, exciting, or even dramatic is going on. No romances or adventures are present. I can honestly say as of right now, nothing is happening to me. I'm doing regular things like going to class, working out, and just being here. Haha. I learned barely a week ago I am an introvert - meaning I like spending time alone, because I feel refreshed and energized when I do. Spending a lot of time with people and going out drains me. It's too true about me. Even google "introvert". The definition of one really describes me. I am nor depressed or pessimistic, just tired of being around to many people. I am relaxing and taking my time to ponder at my own thoughts. It's wonderful, like admiring a beautiful scenery. :) Sometimes I wish I had a cabin next to a hidden lake on some mountian. Alone, I would be left to my thoughts, create ideas, and come to my own conclusions about life, love, and the universe. There, it would be my nirvana, my heaven.

The bruises don't hurt anymore.

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I am really sick and tired of my family. Enough said.

Is there a pillow in my face?

Lately, I have been feeling extremely smothered - like I have dyspnea or something. It honestly seems as if I cannot breathe. A ball and chain almost. It's like there is never a sense of being alone. Most people are are afraid of that feeling but to me it's contentment. I'm sure it's only because they care about me, but I'm starting to feel beleaguered when I'm constantly asked where I am, who I am with, and what I am doing. I just want to be left alone to my own thoughts. To be in my own solitude. It's quite curt how many times I have I used the word "I" or "me" in this entry. 12, not counting the "I's" or "me's" I'm using after that statement. It's really selfish of me. I should be more altruistic to my friends, but right now it's only appropriate for me to be this way. I'm trusting that this seclusion will help me to appreciate those I love and care about more than I already do. I do not believe this will be a permanent disposition. Though I do presuppose this frame of mind will end more apace once I've been given the time and space I need. I found this drawing on the internet somewhere. The illustration depicts much of what I am feeling. The artist wrote in their own words, "Bird loves Robot so much, it keeps the Robot alive with its own natural energy. Robot loves Bird, too, because Robot couldn't exist without Bird's benevolence. But Robot also resents Bird, for keeping it dependent on Bird. This resentment creeps into their relationship, with Robot feeling smothered and confined by Bird's domineering love. Then Bird turns Robot off, wipes its artificial memory, and reboots Robot. They reunite, again in a state of pure love." I hope they'll understand..

The activities of a Friday morning.

I'm sitting here doing nothing at all. It's not like I have absolutely nothing to do, I'm just delaying the inevitable. I feel so lethargic it's ridiculous. I definitely know consequences are to follow if I continue this sequence. What I should be doing is power cleaning my room, calling UPS, going to the bank, and buying a gym membership. Doesn't seem like much when I put it into a list like that. It's the details into the very list that compels me to be in the state that I am in now. My room is a complete mess. From the dresser drawers, bed, closet, and floors. Everything is disheveled. To correctly neaten up my room will take hours on end. Hours I really do not wish to squander. With UPS, I believe I'll be having a long discussion with them. They lost my package. They told the store that they delivered it on March 3rd. I never acquired a damn thing. Someone probably has my package now, wearing the fucking shirt that I bought, and not having to worry how much that shirt really was. I am really irritated. Those two are really my only main concerns. Those two concerns are procrastinating me to do anything else. Right now, all I want to do is to lay in bed and dream aberrant dreams.

A new post, blog, episode.

A new journey to start, a chapter to close. I'm hoping by matriculating this blog I'll be able to bethink convivial or even unpalatable situations and memories, to be allowed to retrace the path that I am following now.. In the end, this might aid me to my salvation.