Take The Highway, It's Going My Way Now.

You ruined me. I used to be strong, fun, and put together. Now, I'm wrecked, emotional, and weak to temptations. How of all people, did you do this to me? You're not special. You are just some "chump" that got me to fall for you. Some "dude" who said all the right words at the moments I needed to hear them the most. You're a loser for god sakes! Need I say more? Someday in due time, I'll be the way I was before you and me were "us", but how long will that take? Definitely longer than the times we were together that's for sure. It's been a REAL while since we were together so I don't understand why I do the things I do, or feel the way I feel. I honestly dislike you with every little fiber of my being, yet I can't let go of what we had, what we were. I'm pathetic. You mow me over every time I think I have you. It's like you're even winning this very moment, because I'm admitting to all of this. I find myself doing and saying things I would never say just to get a tiny grasp of the past. It's absurd. I decided I'm quitting right here. I want respect, from myself and YOU. I have plenty to offer to someone else. You don't need any charity from me. You have loads of it coming from other people. I don't want anything to do with you anymore. This is going to be one long, difficult road. I bet when I think the roads to an end, there will be another bend to pass but it'll be worth it when it's over. You make me bad.

Hmm.. Dylan brought out a thought in my head that's been dwelling there for quite awhile. I feel as if I'm typical. Not only internally but externally also. I don't do anything exceptionally well. And if I come close, someone always beats me to first place. Even when I was in the Miss Vietnam Utah pageant, I was first runner up. My ideas and ways of thinking are surely unspecial. I'm sure the same thoughts are going through thousands of other people. I don't excel academically or athletically. I'm plain looking and I am boring. I'm a person who those do not seek and go out to meet. I'm not premium material. My charms and good looks are something I'm lacking of. I have no interesting tales to tell, or know something you do not. I have no special talent, and what I do is always mediocre work. I'm quite average. It makes me sad sometimes, because I'm always surrounded by people who are gifted - even if it's just really good looks. I wish I was really spectacular at something, a recognizable trait. Maybe I'm just first-rate at being mediocre. Is there an award for that?

I haven't been blogging as much as I wish I was. I think it has to do with how my life is as of right now. Nothing too eventful, exciting, or even dramatic is going on. No romances or adventures are present. I can honestly say as of right now, nothing is happening to me. I'm doing regular things like going to class, working out, and just being here. Haha. I learned barely a week ago I am an introvert - meaning I like spending time alone, because I feel refreshed and energized when I do. Spending a lot of time with people and going out drains me. It's too true about me. Even google "introvert". The definition of one really describes me. I am nor depressed or pessimistic, just tired of being around to many people. I am relaxing and taking my time to ponder at my own thoughts. It's wonderful, like admiring a beautiful scenery. :) Sometimes I wish I had a cabin next to a hidden lake on some mountian. Alone, I would be left to my thoughts, create ideas, and come to my own conclusions about life, love, and the universe. There, it would be my nirvana, my heaven.

The bruises don't hurt anymore.

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I am really sick and tired of my family. Enough said.

Is there a pillow in my face?

Lately, I have been feeling extremely smothered - like I have dyspnea or something. It honestly seems as if I cannot breathe. A ball and chain almost. It's like there is never a sense of being alone. Most people are are afraid of that feeling but to me it's contentment. I'm sure it's only because they care about me, but I'm starting to feel beleaguered when I'm constantly asked where I am, who I am with, and what I am doing. I just want to be left alone to my own thoughts. To be in my own solitude. It's quite curt how many times I have I used the word "I" or "me" in this entry. 12, not counting the "I's" or "me's" I'm using after that statement. It's really selfish of me. I should be more altruistic to my friends, but right now it's only appropriate for me to be this way. I'm trusting that this seclusion will help me to appreciate those I love and care about more than I already do. I do not believe this will be a permanent disposition. Though I do presuppose this frame of mind will end more apace once I've been given the time and space I need. I found this drawing on the internet somewhere. The illustration depicts much of what I am feeling. The artist wrote in their own words, "Bird loves Robot so much, it keeps the Robot alive with its own natural energy. Robot loves Bird, too, because Robot couldn't exist without Bird's benevolence. But Robot also resents Bird, for keeping it dependent on Bird. This resentment creeps into their relationship, with Robot feeling smothered and confined by Bird's domineering love. Then Bird turns Robot off, wipes its artificial memory, and reboots Robot. They reunite, again in a state of pure love." I hope they'll understand..