I think right now is the turning point of my life.. There have been a chain of events that has caused me to believe so. First of all, it would all start with my birthday. I hate my birthday, it never brings that many good memories to my mind when I think about it. Even though my birthday was Tuesday, me and Ashlee decided to celebrate it Friday night. It was probably the most rewarding night I have had in a long time. (I slept over Ashlee's that night too. Which hasn't happened in four years.) I realized that ANY possible thing can happen at any moment. After Jordan, Dylan, and Carlos left - me and Ashlee decided to watch a movie. In the process of getting ready to watch it, Ashlee burned the last bag of popcorn. We could have gone without it, but for some reason we decided to walk to Smith's and buy some. When we got there (around 11 o'clock at night by the way), we saw people we thought we would never see. We ended up being at Nick's backyard, just talking about anything and everything till 3 in the morning. Even though what we talked about I have already thought of, and formed opinions about - it was nice to have someone agree, or give their intake on things. It made me realized how much we have all changed throughout the years and how much we have gone through and learned. Anyway, the same day, my uncle passed away; he committed suicide. It was really difficult for me to be sad and weep at first, because I had only met him about five times that I can even recall. His death made me think about life a lot more though. Here I am, hating the very day I was born, when someone didn't even want to live. I started thinking that maybe if I spent more time with him, maybe if I went and saw him the last Saturday before he died, things would be different. I didn't go, because I figured he would still be around, because selfishly I wanted to go see Star Trek; which I could have seen any other weekend. I felt really horrible because of that. I didn't shed a tear about him until it was either Saturday or Sunday night. My mom was talking to me about my uncle, when she told me she had a copy of the note he left before he had died. They were the most simplest of words, yet they had pained me so much. In the letter he wrote that he was tired of life, tired of living. He said he was sick, old, and he just can't do it anymore. He asked for everyone to try to understand.. I wish I could translate better how he wrote the letter (unfortunately translating is not one of my talents). I cried after I read how much hurt he was really in. I can't express exactly how I felt, all I know is that I have never felt that way EVER. It changed me. So, as long as I live - I plan on making my life incredible. I'm going to try to not be a procrastinator, or to be negative in any way towards myself or others. I'm going to live life, do brave things and not be afraid. I'll go after my dreams, be willing to love, forgive, and not miss out on any opportunity that comes my way. I'm going to live better for my uncle. R.I.P. The picture of him and my cousin was taken almost exactly a year ago before he died.

I hate May 19th.

I really do dislike birthdays - I hate today possibly more than any other "holiday" there is. Ever since I was little, this day has never been pleasant to me. My mom would always work (the favorite parent of the two), and my dad never did care. All my friends would have these really cool parties and gifts and I never had any of that. It's not the fact that I wish I had those materialistic things, but the fact that it seemed like I wasn't wanted, liked, and loved. I remember when I was about seven, I came home from school thinking my mom was going to be home because it was my birthday. I ran inside the house, looking for her and all I found was this plain, little chocolate cake in a box. My mom was evidently at work. I scrummaged around to look for candles, lit them and put them on the cake, made a wish, and blew them out by myself. That was it. That was my seventh year birthday, and it didn't get any better from there. Honestly, every time when someone celebrates their birthday, and I have to be there - I'm crying inside. I'm so upset because it brings such dark memories to me. I think it's funny my mom doesn't get why I hate May19th so much.

Am I wrong?

At the moment there are millions of thoughts circulating in my head, though one seems to concern me the most. Right now, I am really bothered at a friend. Honestly, if he WAS my good friend, I think he could be a little less selfish and more understanding. For the last two months I have been going through some life trials. I asked him for space, for me to be left to my thoughts, and to just fix things. It was not in any part his fault. I wanted to be alone only because of me - of my own problems. Now that I'm ready to be around others again, it seems if he is bitter towards me, like I was not the good friend he once had, as if I did something wrong. I told him it was nothing personal, I told him it was me having issues with myself. I don't get why he can't be supportive of me. It's not like I wasn't going to ever talk to him again, that I was mad at him, or we were in a fight. I just needed time to deal with me and my demons..

I admit I was being selfish at the time, I know that I hurt you, but you have to see that I was really hurt too. It's not like I wanted to distance myself, but I had to - in order to get well again. Frankly, I am a little taken back and upset that you act this way towards me. Back when I was "sick", I was hoping that when I became well, that you would be just as happy for me as I was for myself and take me in with open arms. I would have if this was you.

Wow... I can't grasp the fact that all of this will be over.. School will be over. It's so surreal to me that it doesn't go through my mind as if it's going to happen. Even though I'm numb about it, I can feel the fear trickle through my body slowly into realization. I don't have the slightest confidence in me right now, that I'll be fine when summer starts. I have no doubt that the whole time, I'l be having panic attacks. Everyone is leaving me it seems like to go their own way. I want to find my own path to follow too, but I'm not positive where I want that path to lead to. God, what am I to do? I think all of this would be much easier if financial situations didn't play a part in this. I hate the fact that money is one of the reasons why I hesitate to go to college, when it shouldn't be. I really hope things work out for the best. Somehow, for me to not be scared, to let go, and to somehow fight through all the obstacles and follow the path that I want to take. Wish me luck.